Oh to be in England

Oh to be in England now that I have a bus pass and prostate problems. French public toilets attract the flies and I caught Salmonella in Israel. Flying in aeroplanes to me is like saying, “Look you have got a cold but, what you really need is a shot of Malaria!” I vow not to travel more than a mile from my front doorstep until the day I die.

I see the enemy, I call them Carthusian Dwile Flonkers, they worship umbrellas and tell you to, “Have a nice day!” at supermarket checkouts, normally called ‘Margery.’

I write this to all who have not exchanged their brain for a corn flake, beware of fake peanut butter, “Wow Wow butter” is not nut free, in fact you have to be “Nuts” to eat it and it can cause you to go nuts. I ate a jar and freaked my doctor out by shouting, “Barr Barr Shee Shee” in a full waiting room! He sent me to see the Insultant, I now have a speech impediment, and every time I see steps I have to walk up and down them ten times for the souls in Purgatory.

Recently I have taken to drinking my bath water and sucking my flannel however, My Purple Verruca shines at midnight and a cheese sandwich seems to cure everything.