Driving to my hometown, I took the turning to Devils dyke, when suddenly the Sat Nav voice said, ‘Turn left, then left again, and keep on turning left” so I did. I completely lost my way. I came to a long queue of traffic and a kind of tollgate. The man on the gate had a loud hailer and no one understood a word he said. He waved me on.
The noise of sirens and a wind of human voices like a football crowd broke into my ears. I was hoping to find a good physiotherapist so I parked my car (Everyone used the centre of the road). I was very surprised to see a sign for, “Chartered Psychopath” at the ‘Helling centre’. Further down the road a sign read, ‘Overpriced toilets without drainage, good for small places!’ At the local hospital there was a billboard sign that said, ‘this way all those with pisstate or piss take problems’.
The local theatre was advertising; ‘A bad performance’ of, ‘Serpentspeare’s’ ‘Cam a lot,’ and it had some graffiti scraped on the sign saying, ‘You’ll come a lot of that mate!’ I met a man coming out of the Chartered Psychopath’s building, he looked at me and said, ‘He’s alright, got a sense of humour, he likes pulling your leg!’ He then fell over.
This did not inspire me with confidence and a morbid fear began to come over me. Nobody appeared to know anybody, there was a distinct hostile feeling all around. I bought a local paper ‘ The daily death’ and noticed that, ‘Negative Aristotle’ was giving a lecture at the local town hall on; ‘Page three of the Sun and Dickheadian pond life!
A man came up to me and said, “Do you know where I can get a Dongle?” ‘What is it for?’ I said, he then fell on the ground, laid on his back with his legs in the air, and appeared to imitate a wild cry from the caves of the Walla Walla tribe.
By this time I was more than fed up so I went and got my car, I grabbed the Sat Nav threw it out hearing it smash on the road and drove off at an alarming rate..
Suddenly, there was brilliant sunshine and a dear old English pub with wonderful friendly people, I looked back down the road and saw a road sign that read Essex.