Dangerous Telephone Times

I have found the transition to owning and using a mobile telephone extremely difficult and vexing.

It seems self-evident to me that the design of these creatures is purposefully carried out by an enemy of the human race. I will try to explain by describing what has happened to me recently.

I have found the new touch screen mobiles almost impossible to use. Also these new phones talk to you using some kind of computer brain. I had been struggling to master my new mobile phone for some time, and I was sitting upstairs in a rather plush café in Sudbury when it started ringing loudly. At the time I was eating a Tea Cake with jam, this proved fatal for me because, I went to swipe the answer bar and a large lump of Strawberry jam stuck to it. Anxious to stop it ringing I made a grab at it and it unfortunately slipped into my Mushroom soup.

This Vexation did not stop the phone ringing and even when I managed to activate the answer bar, I had forgot it was on loudspeaker mode. “This is an important announcement don’t hang up!’” Finally, I got it to stop when the phone started talking to me “Please say that again, I did not understand that request!”
Trying to hide it under the table I said, “Please shut up” “I did not understand that last request” the phone said. I managed to activate another sign on the screen, when some heavy metal thunder song came out to the ears of the café expounding the pleasure of explicit sex on the top deck of a London bus!

The waitress came over and said, ‘if you don’t mind sir the noise is upsetting the other customers’.

I felt compelled to leave a £5 tip.

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