If you go down to the woods today, you might find aliens learning English

I went for a walk in the woods, and well, only one way to say this; I found a parked up UFO. As I approached the entrance door it opened and a voice said, “you are a Nerden Aristocrat!” I replied, “I think you have got that a bit wrong” ‘No’ said the voice, “we are here to study English, because we have found it helps our inward parts” (NB I later found out that this referred to alien flatulence).

A group of Scouts were approaching singing, ‘Ten green bottles hanging on the wall,’ suddenly, the UFO began to shake violently and the voice said, “This does not compute, this does not compute!” ‘What’s up’, I said; the voice replied, “No such thing as ‘Green Bottle’ “ I said, ‘some cider bottles are green’ the voice again said, “This does not compute!”

At this point the Scouts surrounded the UFO and began to sing, ‘I love to go a wandering along the mountain track” Smoke came from the top of the UFO and a toilet chain broke in Sweden.

I said to one of the Scouts, “Has this UFO been here before?” “Yes” he said, “they use the Library at Boginton three times a year!”

It started to rain and a contraption that looked like a steam powered penny wheel farthing broke through the trees. The wheels shrank and expanded as it moved through the trees and a being that looked like a Teddy Bear on speed spoke through a loudhailer, “Hardened Escalope Pygmalion Macaroni” ‘I know what he wants,’ said the boy scout, ‘He wants the puncture outfit again’.

“Bring me Norman Lamont,” Said the rider of the Steam powered Penny wheel farthing. (When the aliens had landed on earth during the 1980’s, Norman Lamont was mistaken for a cosmic engineer; a ‘Mr. Fixit’ His face was similar to their leader ‘Caldecott Iguana.’ Also the aliens had a human shaped Android planted in the library, a Miss Carlotta Hinge.)

A terrible scream was heard at that point, the local Mothers Union were doing a sponsored walk of woodland paths, and one of the ladies spotted the Aliens.
“Save us,” she (Miss Iris Edgley-Jones) said. “Don’t worry,” I said, “They may be damnably un-English but I think they are friendly, and anyway this Boy Scout seems to know them well!”

Just then a rather crackly recording of Julie Andrews singing, “The hills are alive with the sound of music,” emanated from the spacecraft, “Yes I think you are right said Iris!” “What do we do next?” I said, Iris said, “We usually have tea when we get visitors.”

Fortunately the village hall was right on the edge of the wood. “Do you think we need to send out formal invitations?” said Iris. “Hang on I said, I’ll ask the Boy Scout for their names” (This is something I slightly regret).

Colin the Boy Scout soon brought a piece of paper with the names on, here is the list of names:

    Kalashnikov Nifter
    Sprat Billed Masseuses
    The Rt. Reverend Tarquin Derwinter in Excelsis
    Braque Pogmaster the 3rd
    Solidify Numerat

The invitations were written out by hand, all the above and what appeared to be a couple of walking cacti were all invited. The tea and cakes at the village hall was a reasonably civilized affair, especially after the earth people got used to the aliens stuffing food into their feet.

After the Village Hall reception one of the aliens Sprat Billed Masseuses began to sing, “We shall overcome” unfortunately he pitched it so high that only the dogs could understand it. This resulted in the song sounding like a choir of stoned bell ringers with manic depression.

Nevertheless, the whole event was brought to an end when the Vicar arrived on his bike with a puncture outfit. The aliens snapped it away, ran into the woods, and the UFO quickly took of leaving a smoke trail that read, “Thank you Doris!”

Well, about Doris, that is another story.

Coming soon ‘The Strange Case Of The Chewing Gum And Sherbet Dab At Boginton Library’ (Who put the dib in the dib dab?)

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